Trauma and the Pandemic

I saw a friend share a post about signs of trauma during the pandemic, and wanted to reflect on what I read in more detail than Facebook tends to encourage.

This morning, one of my friends on Facebook shared the following post:

I feel that it’s important for everyone to know that there are mental health related problems that some of you may be experiencing for the first time because of this collective traumatic situation and not recognizing as symptoms because you’re not typically traumatized:
-memory loss and memory issues, especially short term, and/or a distorted sense of time
-executive dysfunction. If you don’t know the term, its kind of like the human version of buffering. It’s when you sit there and think “I need to get up and do the dishes” and then you sit there. And sit there. And sit there. And you think over and over “get up and do the dishes” as hard as you can, but you don’t, your body just doesn’t listen to you, like a slow computer trying over and over to load a page and failing. That’s not laziness, that’s a mental health symptom.
-confusion and brain fog (and even slight dizziness and balance issues as well)
-sleeping too much or too little
-feeling nauseous all the time/not being interested in food even if you’re hungry
- “forgetting” to eat or shower or use the toilet etc. This is in quotes because what’s really happening isn’t a memory issue: instead, you’re not getting the cues from your body asking for food or water or hygiene or the bathroom. Your brain is so busy processing the fight/flight/freeze instinct that you can’t “hear” your body asking for its basic needs.
-the “bell jar” feeling, or as it’s otherwise known, dissociation, where you feel like somehow there’s glass between you and everything and everyone else in the whole world, and it takes a lot of effort to engage with anything outside yourself. It’s not a sad feeling in and of itself- it has no flavor, it’s just exhausting.
-intrusive thoughts. These are thought loops you get stuck in, usually bad ones, and they’re easy to miss the signs of in traumatic times. If you notice yourself continually cycling through a sequence of bad thoughts that you don’t want to have, that’s an intrusive thought pattern.
-inability to make decisions, even small ones (resulting in disproportionately intense distress if you try to force yourself)
-shortness of breath and heart palpitations.
-auditory processing issues- staring at someone for a good 10 seconds after they speak just trying to make your brain decipher what they said, or missing what someone said entirely multiple times, even though you could hear them perfectly well, or being unable to separate a conversation you’re having from the background noise of a television in the other room, sometimes to the point where you can’t finish your own sentences because the combination of sounds is distracting you.
-on that subject, also finding sounds, silence, and sensations more annoying and intolerable than usual- forks scraping, plastic bags rustling in the breeze from a fan, birds outside, etc. The way to identify this one is that it’s not even just annoyance, it’s an instant knee jerk reaction of distress and rage, and your brain can’t fully function. That goes for sensations as well- getting suddenly negatively overwhelmed by being touched, or having tags in your clothes or scratchy fabrics bother you to the point where you can’t think.
If you think you are suffering from any type of mental health issue, please reach out to someone you trust.

I was struck by a lot of this, because I have been experiencing similar things. Unfortunately my friend saw it on a friend's page and does not know the origin of this, so please let me know so I can give proper attribution if you know who wrote this.

 Point 1: -memory loss and memory issues, especially short term, and/or a distorted sense of time

I know I have seen a lot of people talk about this on Twitter, on Facebook, and amongst my friends group. A lot of people are working from home right now, and without the need to get out of the house at specific times during the week, time starts to lose its meaning. This is interesting to me, because I have been experiencing something very like this since we moved to California and I became the house husband. I have trouble keeping track of what day it is, which week of the month it is, and without that to frame my memories, I have noticed my short term memory has taken a hit. What did I do yesterday? What did I do last week? How old am I on my birthday this year? Am I doing a thing tomorrow or is that two days from now? Wait, today is Thursday, not Friday, so tomorrow must be Friday, not Saturday. Ok, I have more time this week than I thought.

It is a weird sensation! It really threw me when I first experienced it. I've been working to mitigate it by having a routine, and by having places I go: volunteer at the pet shelter on Sunday morning, gaming with my cousin Sunday evening, D&D on Wednesdays at the shop or a friend's house.

And just when I was starting to get used to it all, here comes the pandemic to throw a wrench in that. I don't do grocery shopping on Saturdays right now, we've been trying to do at least two weeks of shopping at a time, so that's more of a loose thread now. I don't run the vacuum on Monday anymore, as Aproustian and Hatstand are both live-streaming their lectures from our spare room most of the day, so that's become haphazard in the last two weeks. D&D is happening online, when people are up for it, but it's not the set thing it had been (and this follows being out of town for two weeks, which had already messed with my routine). The shelter is (thankfully) mostly empty; the cats are in foster or have been adopted, so it hasn't been necessary for me to go in every week during this time.

When I worked an office job, I got up every morning at 6 am, fed the cats, did some pedaling on the bike pedals, took a shower and headed to work. Work had deadlines and routine procedures for me to handle. And in the evenings I would be tired but hang out online with friends or watch TV. It sounds very similar to what I do now actually, except there was more change in location. And seeing different people at set times helped my brain to associate details with those people and those times. I think that's how my memory works. So since the days recently have not even had the routine of "Aproustian heads to campus for teaching at 9 am" to break things up, I lose those connection points.

The time loss is related also I think to the next few points.

-executive dysfunction. If you don’t know the term, its kind of like the human version of buffering. It’s when you sit there and think “I need to get up and do the dishes” and then you sit there. And sit there. And sit there. And you think over and over “get up and do the dishes” as hard as you can, but you don’t, your body just doesn’t listen to you, like a slow computer trying over and over to load a page and failing. That’s not laziness, that’s a mental health symptom.
-confusion and brain fog (and even slight dizziness and balance issues as well)
-sleeping too much or too little 

I have some friends who deal with executive dysfunction regularly, and I'm not sure this description fits their experience exactly, but it does ring true to what I've been experiencing lately. I've been meaning to write a blog post for... the last month at this point? I have one sitting in the drafts that I started in February! But every time I think to write it, I also think of three other things I need to do, and then end up doing the fourth thing that I noticed on the way. Or I'm sitting here, and think "Oh, I should write a blog post, I have energy right now," and instead I get lost reading depressing things on Twitter or Facebook, or maybe feel sudden fatigue and close my eyes, or just can't bring myself to start. I've always thought of this as just I have trouble starting things (usually once I get started I can do the thing pretty well!) so it is interesting to me to link this to a term I'm familiar with... even if I'm not sure it's entirely the right match.

Dizziness and balance issues? Yeah, I've noticed some of that recently. I mean, I've long had the "I stood up to fast" dizziness, but it comes and goes. It hasn't happened to me... probably in a few months, maybe a year? (The memory thing...) but definitely had it a few times lately, where I stand up and then have to stop and regain my balance.

Brain fog. What a fun term. I don't know how many times recently I've been trying to say something and just can't seem to, because I feel 'foggy'. That feeling that my head is just stuffed full and my thoughts are crawling along, as though I can feel the impulses slowly moving from one neuron to the next. Again, it's not that I haven't experienced these things before, but it feels amplified right now.

-inability to make decisions, even small ones (resulting in disproportionately intense distress if you try to force yourself)

This feels related so I'm moving it up the list. Yes, this. Which chore should I do, dusting or refilling the bird feeders? I can't decide. I should get up and do them both. They won't take much time. But which do I do first? Why is this so hard? What is wrong with me?

I want to play a game, but I don't know which one. I'm just going to sit here and stare into the middle distance instead.

I should reach out to my friend, see how they're doing. What do I start the conversation with? I've heard it's stressful for some people to be bombarded with 'How are you?'s, so I should lead off with how I am I think, but what part of how I am do I talk about? Do I have anything interesting to say?  What did I do today anyway? I could talk about the problems I'm having but that sounds too negative. When did I last feel happy?

Or, What should I have for lunch?   See also:

-feeling nauseous all the time/not being interested in food even if you’re hungry

What sounds good to eat? This is a hard decision! We have food in the house, but I don't want any of it. Or two things sound good, but I can't decide which to make.

And so on, and trying to make the decisions for myself just makes me stressed and irritated and then I just want to go back to sleep, or I just stop processing things for awhile.

So here's the one that struck me the most:

-the “bell jar” feeling, or as it’s otherwise known, dissociation, where you feel like somehow there’s glass between you and everything and everyone else in the whole world, and it takes a lot of effort to engage with anything outside yourself. It’s not a sad feeling in and of itself- it has no flavor, it’s just exhausting. 

I'm so glad to have a name to put to this feeling! I get this a lot, even outside this event. With new people, with people I'm just getting to know, with people I've not seen in a long time. Trying to figure out how to talk to people when I can't understand the conversation they are having, either because of popular culture references I'm too old/did not see, or technical conversations where I have no knowledge... I'm sitting there during this and nodding along, but it feels like I'm actually a long way away, and nobody knows I'm there, I'm just a background decoration. And even though I'd like to make or strengthen or renew a connection to other people, I just... can't find how, the glass is too thick and too completely covering me for me to reach out properly.

This feeling has been exacerbated by being at home. It is hard to read people's meaning in texts sometimes, and social anxiety or depression or whatever tends to mean I assume the negative. Did you stop talking because there's nothing to say to me, or was I bothering you? Did you mean that as a subtle hint that I should go away? Are you upset with me? I have this problem frequently in person, but usually only after the fact (when my brain runs the situation over and over looking at the little details and trying to figure out what I did wrong; because of course I did something wrong.) But each distance removed from in person makes it harder; video chat loses something in the translation, though not too much, just the emotional... vibe? I feel I can pick up in person. Voice only loses body language cues. Text loses all of that information, making it the easiest for my brain to mis-interpret.

Now, I have techniques they taught me in therapy for this, like reminding myself to only work with what I actually know, and question when I'm assuming something.

But again, although I deal with this all the time anyway, it's worse right now. Because I am more stressed than usual, I feel like my rope between normal functioning and emotional breakdown is thinner (I have had a few days where I'm doing fine, doing fine, and then suddenly some minor thing has me on the verge of tears, or I have to retire to a private room to cry because my head suddenly filled with utter sadness). And because everyone else is more stressed by the situation as well.

And this "bell jar" effect does, as the statement mentions, extend to things other than the people around me. I have been wanting to do some painting for a month now. I even signed up for a "paint a big miniature for March" project on another blog... but every time I've sat down to paint, it just... doesn't happen. It feels like I'm just not associated with what's in front of me. Or when I sit down to play a game, and it just feels... distant and meaningless, and not something I have a connection to.

Moving on to the last one I want to address (the auditory issues have been happening too! I have noticed difficulty keeping track of an active conversation with Aproustian because I'm also overhearing other things in other rooms, and I can't keep them straight. I feel so guilty and ashamed about that! But the descriptions seem pretty explanatory in the original post):

-shortness of breath and heart palpitations. 

That's terrifying, isn't it? When the pandemic's main difference in symptoms from a standard cold is shortness of breath? But it could also be caused by the trauma of the event, not the virus itself?

I've been having occasional shortness of breath. I've been putting it down to not getting my walks in like I did before the holidays, and thus getting back out of shape again. It's been raining a lot here lately, meaning we're stuck indoors even when we desperately want to go take a walk around the block, because the prospect of dealing with the rain too is just one obstacle too many. But I didn't have shortness of breath before I started the walks...

And I mean shortness of breath like I'm breathing heavily moving from one room to another. And then I think, am I suddenly that out of shape? Do I have a blood clot? Do I have COVID? My temperature is normal, I have no other symptoms... and it's not that bad a shortness of breath, just a little difficulty with it. So in a way I'm relieved to learn that it could also just be a stress reaction to trauma. But it's also very scary that that can be part of my body's stress reaction at this time.

If you are experiencing any of these things and you don't know where to talk to, please feel free to talk to me. Despite experiencing a lot of this myself, I'm mostly doing pretty well emotionally; I'm maybe lucky that I have already been working on depression and social anxiety, and thus am on anti-depressants that are working pretty well, and working on implementing some solutions otherwise as well. So please do not consider it a burden to reach out to me.

Alternatively, a friend of a friend highly recommends calling 211 if you feel you really need help dealing with this stuff, or are in a really bad place. It is a place designed to help you get in touch with people who can help in substantive ways. Here is the website: http://211.org

Remember, you're not alone! I'm not alone either. We're all in this together. I would love to know your thoughts in the comments below (if they're working...) or through other communication.

So yeah. I think I've exhausted what I have to say. I just really liked this post, and wanted to share it and my thoughts about it. I hope you enjoyed. Next time; hopefully something more fun!